By Tammy Mills and Adam Cooper Cleaver Greene, the fictional cocaine-snorting, alcohol-swilling, lovable larrikin lawyer…
By Errol Parker
“I’m so going to get you to defend me if I get done for DUI or something, how funny would that be?”
That’s the fourth time Alice Munro has been told that since she posed with her parents for a photograph out the front of the Queensland Supreme Court in Brisbane late last year, admission certificate in hand.
Even though she hopes to work exclusively in corporate law for a big six, many of her close friends plan to give her a ring should they fall on the wrong side of the blue line.
“For the first couple, I just kinda laughed and said, ‘Yeah sure!’ But I don’t want them to actually think I can help them. The only advice I could give them is to ring a local criminal lawyer and never talk to the police, ever,”
“But the questions keep coming. Dad asked me if I could help him sue your newspaper for damages after you published that article about his divorced sister preying on young stationhands at the Mooloolaba Surf Club,”
“I said no, Auntie CeCe actually does that – but it didn’t stop the questions.”
Over the weekend, the 23-year-old attended a family friend’s barbecue lunch with her parents and younger brother.
It was a Sunday and Alice had to be coaxed out of her room at 11am to get in the car despite going to bed just a few hours prior.
She told our reporters that being that sick from the grog had already put her in a mood and that the thought of spending the day talking to people didn’t help either.
“You might know something about this,” said her father’s friend, Gavin.
“My nephew Tom,”
Alice smiled and nodded because telling him that she didn’t would’ve prolonged the conversation.
“He was caught going to that music festival thing the other day at the South Betoota Polytechnic College with a lot of ecstasy tablets in his underpants. Police say it was a commercial quantity and that he’s in a real pickle.”
“Ah Ok,” said Alice before being interrupted.
“But Tom says the police didn’t get a warrant to search his person and that it was an illegal arrest.”
Though she wanted to tell Gavin that his nephew Tom is a ‘dumb cunt for dealing drugs and an even dumber cunt for trying to bring 240 pingas into a music festival in a ziplock bag’, Alice paused, thought about it, then told Gavin that Tom needs a good lawyer or else he’s going to prison.
“Wow! [laughs] That sounds terrible! I’d do and see a criminal lawyer in town. There are heaps if you Google them. I don’t know any because I’ve literally just finished uni and I’m struggling to even find a job, but I wish Tom good luck!”